When challenged with having a difficult conversation many people simply do not know how to approach the situation. This is why I have developed a framework that I call the 6 C’s To Successful Courageous Conversations to provide you with a road map for navigating the conversation. Being able to have courageous conversations is a key skill of being a Joined Up Leader and I share more on this in my book The Alchemy Of Change.
Centre
It is key that you stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy throughout any courageous conversation. Breathe, centre and notice when you become off centre and choose to return to centre again.
This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centred state, you’ll help the person you are speaking with to be more centred, too. Centring is not a step centring is how you are as you take the steps. Grounded and in the moment.
Step #1: Clarity
Be clear on the reason for the conversation and the outcome that you desire. Most courageous conversations falter because there is a lack of clarity about the real issue. Get to the root cause and focus on this matter rather than the symptoms that might be showing.
Consider how the behaviour you are addressing is impacting the team and the business. Remember this is not about you, so ensure that you control your emotions and approach the conversation in such a way that you do not contaminate it with unconscious feelings or mixed body language. (For most people this means doing some preparation work in anticipation of the courageous conversation).
Step #2: Curiosity
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t) and learn as much as possible about the other person and their point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another country, and find out how things are for them in that place; how certain events affect the other person, and what their values and priorities are.
Watch for their body language and listen for unspoken energy as well. What do they really want? What are they not saying? Let the person talk until they are finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #3: Coherent
Coherent means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make their argument for them. Then do it. Repeat back to them what you heard so you can ensure you fully understood what they said. They will not change unless they see that you see where they stand. Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement., however keep them separate. Saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean that you’re going to go along with their decision but it does make the other person feel listened to.
Step #4: Congruent
When you sense the other person has said all they want to then, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that they’ve missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing theirs. Seek clarity from the other person on how they came to the conclusion they did. And why that was not what you intended.
Step #5: Co-create Closure
Now you’re ready to begin building a new solution. Brainstorming and continued curiosity and inquiry are really useful here. Ask the other person what they think might work. Whatever they say, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates a sense of safety and encourages them to engage. If the other person feels they are being listened to and can shape the outcome they are more likely to feel inspired to offer so solutions
I urge you to use this framework for any difficult conversations that you need to have rather than sticking your head in the sand and avoiding the issue and hoping it will go away.
Communication is essential in business and the latest 2015 Employee Engagement Trends Report by Quantum WorkPlace reveals that one of the biggest areas of uncertainty for employees remains the fact that there is not often honest and open communication with managers. So simply by addressing this issue head on, you should start to see trust and employee engagement levels increase.
Julia Felton (aka The Business Wrangler) is the founder of Business HorsePower. Business leaders, entrepreneurs and executives hire her to accelerate their business performance by harnessing the energy of their people to work more collaboratively together. By aligning purpose with actions the team achieves exponential results as everyone starts pulling in the same direction.
Julia believes that business is a force for good and through designing purpose-driven businesses that leverage the laws of nature, and the herd, you can create businesses founded on the principles of connection, collaboration and community that make a significant impact in the world.
